We’ve been there or we know someone who has. One half of a relationship feels neglected, unseen, stifled or unfulfilled, and feels they cannot say it. So instead- they might suffer, break loyalty to their other half or, escape the situation entirely.
There’s a lot of vulnerability in the act of saying how we really feel to our partner, parent, sibling or friend. Speaking Out is an act of bravery and risk, and it comes with the cost of revealing our deepest needs. But this courageous act of dissolving pretense and honouring what’s real for us (with respect for both ourselves and others) is an integral part of growth.
We live in an age where, when we cannot fulfill a need we have within a partnership- we turn to the next most readily available thing. Example A: A man feels sexually unfulfilled in a relationship and instead of speaking out how he’d like to be intimate, he turns to media and porn. Meanwhile, his partner feels the exact same way and, also keeping it to themselves, turns to online dating and cheating to resolve their inner conflict. Both persons pursue managing their ‘unfair’ situation by looking externally for a fix. Yet, there were never any speakings out within the partnership to get clear that in fact, both parties felt the same way.
What would have happened if the couple in Example A did Speak Out? They’d have to get back to the work; some good elbow grease to get back to a place where communication is open and both parties can feel liberated and safe in their sexual experience. Or, perhaps there’s an agreement that the relationship needs to end. Regardless- the cat’s pulled outta the bag and what’s really going on ends up in plain sight, thanks to the absence of pretense, lying, and good old fashioned bullshit.
That feeling of not ‘getting what we want’ in life has been addressed by philosophies for ages. Yoga teaches us that the Universe is within ourselves and that, outside of our karmic debts and our pursuits of Dharma (our purpose), we can rest easy in that we are already everything that we need.
But we all know damn well that our desires, our goals, our love and our need to connect are banging down the door everyday to be seen, heard, acknowledged and believed. So, consider doing this to get to a half way point between ignoring your inner voices and, misusing their message by running off to a new state and leaving all your toiled problems behind:
Just include all of you. Include all of yourself in everything you do.
I am a teacher, writer, actress; I’m a good friend and a healer, a physical mover and a mindful yogi. I am also a Wild Woman. I am a fierce protector. I am a product of trauma. I have struggled with addiction and depression. I have lied and abused from a place of woundedness, and I have changed people’s lives from a place of healing. I over drink wine though I always try not to. I run races. I am an athlete. I live a life of chronic pain. I love people so much. I isolate myself. I am a sexual Goddess. I am a Little Girl. I am the CEO of my life, and a powerful one, though the haze of past traumas sometimes masks opportunities that are right in front of me. I am a Star, a Clown, a Witch and a Creator. And none of these things are actually contradictory to one other, because they are all my Truth. They are all me.
So what should we all do with the knowledge of all of our Selves? Heal. Self Parent. Seek support. Learn life’s tools with grace and then act from a place of integrity and respect rather than disarray and victimization. And- Speak Out. Do not swallow your Truth. Let the voices within you be heard. Let your Selves be heard and be known.
My intimate partner knows my Little Girl and my Wound as much as he knows my Goddess and my Wild Woman. Until he met them all, he could not possibly know me. And if he can’t know me, he cannot possibly be my partner. By sharing, connecting and Speaking Out from a place of respect for each other and acceptance and love for ourselves, he and I are able to navigate the stresses of our everyday lives.
Moral of the story? It’s not just a great John Legend song. If there is room for all of me, and I also accept all of you, only then can there be clarity and fulfillment within a pact. But here we are, back to the challenge of vulnerability. Can we all get to a place of letting all our Selves ask for what they need? I think I can guarantee nothing but freedom in the beauty of accepting this challenge.
‘It’s to do with knowing and being known’ -Tom Stoppard, The Real Thing
–Jessica Cadden Osborne is an NYC based actress, writer, teacher and filmmaker with a sincere desire to spread the Truth.
Speaking Out isn’t easy. But when we hold back sharing what we really need in a relationship, can we end up deceiving ourselves with notions of what we really want? Check out John and Sandra’s continued path of connection, vulnerability and laughs: